“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
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My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Genius idea!!
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.