Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
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[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.