Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
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I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
bears
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.