I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
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She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*