Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.