Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
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WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
If looks could kill
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home