[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
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“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.