Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
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when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.