Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
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me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.