me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
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[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.