Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
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After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes