Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Ironic
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.