Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
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If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.