Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
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If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!