Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
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Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.