I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
You Might Also Like
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
not to brag, but mine was free
I’m confused about plants
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes