SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
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😂💯
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.