Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.