HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
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“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
went fishing caught a bass
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these