My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
That de-escalated quickly
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.