I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
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Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no