*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁