[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
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Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Bootstraps
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro