normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then