[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
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A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing