It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
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My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next