12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
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I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
shut up and take my money
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
HR said no more nunchucks.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink