My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
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The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.