So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
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When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
nature’s most graceful animal
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”