I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
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when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Buck naked
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.