“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
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I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.