Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
it’s the silliest best thing
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE