[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
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The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower