Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
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she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this