People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
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Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.