I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
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If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.