[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
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There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?