[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
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Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.