My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
You Might Also Like
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
did it work
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth