[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
You Might Also Like
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.