My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
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Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
yeah no that’s fair
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”