There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
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*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant