Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
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WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
And they lived apathetically ever after.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.