First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
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Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
This has made my week.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.