*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
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in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
LMAO.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)