If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
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Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud