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[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
was Jim off killing horses or…
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
LOL
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?