I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
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My neck my back my allergy attack
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava