I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
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Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”