Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
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*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I enjoy a good short stor
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
car not found
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
This is amazing.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse